What to do if you've gotten drunk and acted inappropriately at a work event?

We regularly work one-to-one with people who’ve acted inappropriately at workplace events, normally under the influence of alcohol. This is one of the easiest ways to put your job - even your career - at risk. 

The good news for the people that we’re working with is that it looks like they’re keeping their jobs - at least for now. Otherwise, their employer wouldn’t be paying us to work with them. 

In working with these people, we’ve learnt much that’s worth sharing about how to navigate both the short and longer term. 

To start, three key learnings that underpin and inform everything we say:

1. Impact over intent
   What’s super important with inappropriate behaviour (and harassment) is to grasp that it’s primarily about impact, not intent. How the thing landed is the key. Virtually no-one set out to cause the problem they did. So, focusing on your lack of intent is largely irrelevant.

2. Curiosity over fear
   There are broadly two ways to react when you’ve caused a workplace problem. With fear or with curiosity. Fear focuses on the risk, on the trouble you’re in; curiosity focuses on how the other people are affected. Fear normally involves denial and doubling down. Curiosity will involve learning and probably an apology. Curiosity wins.

3. Problems don’t age well
   Your inclination might be to ignore the situation, to hope it will not be a problem. It may not be, but in the words of a high-profile CEO at one of the world’s biggest banks that we worked with for many years: ‘these problems don’t age well.’ When the employer hears about it from someone else, you’re on the back foot. 
   

Let’s assume for current purposes that the incident in question isn’t of the magnitude of a sexual assault: the sort of thing that could lead to police involvement. But, it’s upset someone enough for them to consider complaining. 

Short term steps:

First, stop what you are doing! 

You’ll normally minimise potential damage by removing yourself from the situation. 

Pause and think. Only interact further (follow up or respond) after consideration and, potentially, advice. Many drunken incidents are exacerbated by immediate, ill-considered actions / responses. Actors may be desperate to make everything better, to apologise. But the Receiver may still be processing what’s happened and far from ready to hear anything further from the actor. 

Many people don’t even realise that they’ve caused a problem. If you wake up the next morning feeling unsure, or if in the taxi home you think you may have erred, please don’t succumb to the fear, but (metaphorically) walk towards this issue! It can be very helpful to hear a more objective view: call a trusted peer; possibly someone in your wider network. 

So, pause, think; seek advice. 

Something that’s seldom done (and which merits serious consideration) is for the Actor to bring what’s happened to the attention of their employer. By talking to a member of the management team or HR, by expressing remorse for any potential negative impact you’ve caused to a colleague and offering to try and remedy the situation, the Actor can place themselves in a far better position. Both with the Receiver personally, and with the employer.

We have a mantra at Byrne Dean: ‘all employment problems are emotional problems’. That's to say that the motor for employment disputes is the negative emotion felt by the Receiver. An Actor reporting themself to their employer, expressing remorse, can work very effectively to dissipate much of the negative emotion.

As can an apology, of course. Often the best advice (short or longer term) can be to apologise properly. By which we don’t mean: ‘if I caused offence’ or ‘for any upset you may have felt.’ Say you shouldn’t have behaved as you did, that you’re sorry and you take full responsibility for your action.

People typically think that if they apologise, they’re admitting liability. I always ask the same question. ‘Did you do it?’  

I’ve started to summarise the approach that’s required to an abbreviation: ‘.’ This is really just an extension of understanding that it’s impact that matters.

Recently, someone we were working with said ‘I take full responsibility for the hurt that I’ve caused’, and in the next breath ‘but their reaction seems very extreme.’ Unfortunately, the other person’s reaction is what it is. The behaviour has landed as it has landed. 

Longer term steps:

If there’s a complaint; a (lengthy) grievance process, investigation and potentially disciplinary process is likely to follow. Actors may be suspended from work while this happens. If they are at work, of course it’s important to behave impeccably. 

Make sure you understand the process being followed; take it seriously and co-operate fully. Prepare properly for every meeting, be honest and show remorse. 

If they’re not dismissed, but face some lesser sanction, the Actor will face the challenge of rebuilding their reputation and relationships, of being themself while altering their approach to workplace interaction. This is the point at which we often meet transgressors.

I certainly suggest to everyone I meet at this point that however remorseful, ashamed or embarrassed they’ve felt during the process, however close they came to dismissal or low they became - in the longer term, the situation they now face is actually an opportunity. 

It’s almost as if there is no such thing as bad publicity! Yes, the intense light of investigation and scrutiny is very stressful. And there may be immediate sanction. But if, over the next few months, these people act as their employer would like them to – if they listen and learn, even use their experiences to move forward themselves and possibly to help colleagues move forward too - the chances are that their leaders and the people who matter most within the organisation will think ‘they’ve reacted well’. 

‍And finally, can you avoid being in this situation altogether?

The obvious thing to say is that you shouldn’t drink at work events – because alcohol reduces your inhibitions and impacts your cognitive ability. But, that’s probably not realistic advice. 

By all means, unless you have a troubled relationship with alcohol, have a drink. And know what your limits are. Stick to those limits, spread out your drinking, and try alternating your drinks – one alcoholic, one non-alcoholic. And our strong advice (because of the number of employment problems that arise there) is not to go on to the after-party. 

Particularly if you’re a manager or leader, you should be thoughtful about the sort of relationship you have with the people in your shadow. Of course, you want to be friendly with them; but they’re not your friends. They’re not people you’ve grown up with or are on a level with. There’s an element of seriousness to the relationship.

If you’d like to read about what steps to take in this same situation but from the employer’s perspective, see this full piece in People Management by my colleague Zoe Wigan.

And you can watch our recent free webinar about alcohol at work, and how it links to culture, risk and belonging here.

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