Feedback in the workplace: leaders learning from real conversations

My clear sense is that most leaders I’ve worked with have great intent when it comes to feedback in the workplace. They care about their people. They want to be fair – to get it right.

But our workplace investigations show just how often feedback creates confusion, disappointment and damage – that no one set out to cause. People risk lives in the gap between a leader’s intent and how their people experience it. Our work on feedback in the workplace is critical.

This last year we worked with an entire management population at mid‑year and year‑end. Four of our professional acting team assisted with leadership development, helping managers explore  performance and reward conversations. The leaders interacted live, in small groups, with four characters – each presenting a nuanced set of challenges.

The leaders then reflected together on what had and hadn’t worked – and, importantly, how they changed depending on which character was sitting opposite them. We collected their reactions live and what emerged was a set of very human patterns about clarity, silence, preparation and judgement.

A real person doesn’t let you hide behind theory

Because we have conversations every day, we tend to think we’re better at them than we actually are. It’s also very easy to say, “well, of course I’d do that.” In practice, most people don’t.

When a real person reacts to how you are with them – when they go quiet, become defensive, cry or bargain – you can’t intellectually skate past it. You must respond. Leaders quickly see that it’s not just what you say, but how you say it: tone, pacing, pauses. And they see that what matters most is how feedback lands emotionally, not how solid it seemed logically in your head.

One size feedback never fits all

Same leaders. Same framework. Four different people. Four very different feedback needs. Each needed something different from their manager.

Anna needed patience and emotional space. She was receiving a performance message built up over years of silence. Leaders realised instinctively that rushing the message or filling silence made things worse, not better.

Dom was a high performer receiving objectively good news – but leaders noticed they were apologising anyway, because his pay rise was smaller than last year’s. Their discomfort coached Dom to feel disappointed.

Rachel was a senior leader – almost a peer – facing a hard message about consistency. Leaders saw how quickly clarity slipped when they tried to soften the message - once emotion entered the room.

Krystle was much earlier in role, and had made a serious mistake. The more effective conversations created enough safety for her to reflect honestly on what had happened and to own what came next. Telling her would have been wasted words.

Overall the learning was simple, yet unsettling: better feedback adapts to the person in front of you. Frameworks help. Judgement matters more.

Kind intentions often dilute messages

A really strong theme was this: our kindness often increases anxiety.

Leaders prevaricate, preface and soften. They apologise and try to ease into the point. They do this to be humane. But what our leaders repeatedly saw during leadership development sessions – with different characters – was that delaying clarity had negative impact on feedback in the workplace.

Dancing around ratings, pay, or performance and behavioural issues didn’t reduce emotional impact; it extended it - negatively. Getting to the point earlier, with the right tone – and staying connected afterwards – made conversations feel both firmer and fairer.

Clarity lands faster than an empathetic preamble.

Silence does more work than you think

Another insight surprised many leaders: silence is itself an intervention.

Early on, many noticed their instinct to rescue. When an employee became upset or unsure, leaders filled gaps quickly – more explanation, reassurance, words. With practice, this shifted. Leaders learned to hold the space. They allowed pauses.

They stayed present without fixing. In doing so, accountability could move – gently – to the employee.

Silence became a way of saying: this matters, and I trust you to engage with it.

Without silence you remove thinking time and add noise and repetition.

Preparation beats courage

By the end of leadership development engagement, one phrase kept recurring: preparation, preparation, preparation.

Leaders noticed that confidence wasn't about bravery in the moment. It requires clarity before the meeting.

Knowing the outcome you want and the message you won’t dilute – especially if emotion rises. Having a couple of open questions ready to get the other person thinking about what you are noticing.

Preparation makes it easier to remain calm, hold silence, and resist the urge to retreat when conversations become uncomfortable.

What these sessions showed leaders is that confidence is earned in advance.

Perception gaps grow in the absence of early feedback in the workplace

Some of the most difficult moments weren’t about performance ratings or pay percentages at all. They were about how far the parties had drifted apart.

When feedback loops break down – when conversations are delayed or avoided – the employee fills the gap with their own explanations. By the time a conversation does happen, two realities already exist. Alignment is far, far harder.

Hard conversations are rarely isolated moments. They’re often the final chapter of a much longer story.

Practising judgement beats learning clever phrases

The leadership development sessions reinforced something we see often: feedback isn’t about finding better words.

It’s about noticing impact. Reading the room. Choosing when to speak – and, importantly, when not to.

Hold clarity without appearing uncaring. Show empathy without softening the message.

These are judgement calls. They can’t be scripted. They can be practised.

Working with actors in leadership development allows leaders to experience the consequences of their choices safely – and to watch peers grapple with exactly the same tensions. Shared observation accelerates learning fast.

So what does good feedback actually look like?

From this work, a few principles stood out:

• ‍Adapt to the person, it's more important than any model or acronym
• ‍Land the message early, then stay connected
• ‍Use silence intentionally, to hold the space
• ‍Prepare for emotion, otherwise you’re improvising under pressure
• ‍Practise judgement, not clever words

Providing feedback in the workplace is a complicated skill that flexes with context, relationship and moment.

Perhaps most importantly: leaders don’t improve feedback by becoming tougher or softer. They improve it by becoming clearer – and more willing to stay in the room to keep clarifying.

‍